How To Talk To Your Parents

How to Talk To Your Parents  

·       Choose the right time.  It’s not a good time when they walk in the door.  They need time to unwind and relax before they’re able to communicate with you. 

·         If you’re really not sure when a good time is, ask them! 

·         Many times it’s a good time to break the routine.  Ask them to leave the house, go for a soda, a walk or a drive. 

·         Tell them it’s important that you talk about this. Sometimes parents don’t realize the importance of the problem. 

·         Parents need to know you’re okay.  Let them know so that they’re not distracted by the problem and make more of it than it really is.  If you’re NOT okay, tell them and don’t worry about time and place.  Your safety is most important. 

·         Don’t play “mind games” with them.  Be straight forward and honest. 

·         In general, moms want peace and dads want to fix the problem.  Let them know that you just need them to listen. 

·         When discussing emotional issues, don’t use accusing words such as ‘should be’ or ‘have to’.  Especially with dads, remember that their heart and their brains are not always on the same page. 

·         Don’t talk for too long, especially for the first few times.  Let them decide when their brain is full.  While you might feel really good getting a few things off your chest, it might really exhaust your parents if you go on too long. 

·         Give them time to think and speak.  You might be surprising them with the information you’re giving them, or they might need time to think through what you’re asking.  Give them some time. 

·         Be open and honest.  DO NOT communicate by using hints or broad terms such as “everything”, “nothing” or “something”.   

·         Don’t expect them to know how you feel.  It’s been awhile since they were your age. 

·         Know what you want or need.  When you communicate this to your parents, use terms such as “I want…” or  “I would like….” 

·         Don’t assume what your parents think.  Ask them.  You might be surprised. 

·         It is unlikely (and probably unhealthy) for one person to fulfill all of your emotional needs.  Remember to create other balanced and positive relationships in your life with your siblings, extended family, friends, trusted adults along with your parents.   

Having "The Talk" With Your Kids

One of the challenges that we face as parents is having that all important talk with our kids about sex.  Many times we get all wrapped up in the technicalities and making sure they have it "right".  What we forget to do is to make sure they have a relationship with us that allows for them to ask questions when they have them, or share experiences with us. 

As we are raising our kids, many of us want to make sure that they not only have the right information, but make sure that they know they can come to us with anything.  And I do mean anything.  Here is where we get to take a deep breath and pretend that we're calm and collected as we explain things in a way where we seem to be the expert. 

On this topic, ignorance is not bliss!  It's always better to know what you're dealing with than to close your eyes and hope for the best.  Here are a few thoughts for making things go a little better regarding this topic as you raise your children. 

Is the topic you are discussing age appropriate for him/her? If we're discussing all of the "how-to's" to an 8 year old, we're missing the boat. What specifically is he being exposed to that needs to be explained at this point in his life? Instead of telling him what you think he needs to know, ask him what he already knows. Then clear up any misinformation and add what you feel needs to be added.

 

Are you creating a safe atmosphere in which to discuss sensitive topics? Many times, kids, especially teens, are afraid to talk with their parents about sex because they feel as if they will be judged, put down or ridiculed - or they find that their parents are too uncomfortable. No one likes being uncomfortable. If you make yourself the go-to person for all things scary, you will have built an important foundation on which to discuss topics in a way where your child feels validated and respected. And more importantly, they learn to respect your position on the topic.

 

Does your child know how his values play into his decisions? Many times families don't have a set of chosen values that they live as individuals and as a family. Most children haven't really figured out what they value in life either. These thoughts and ideas come into formation when the parent talks about current events and, without judgement, shows how choices are made that come together in a result that doesn't give people what they really wanted.

 

Does your child know what is behind his values? When we have a great amount of love and respect for ourselves, we don't often do things that will ruin our future. Sex is a wonderful thing when we are with the right person at the right time in our lives. What teens, especially, don't get is that the teen years probably won't be the right time, and it probably won't be with the right person. With that being said, teens think they know a lot and are more than likely going to experiment. Not only are they experimenting with sex, they're playing with people's emotions as well. Does your child understand the connection between sex and emotion? This information doesn't go around in the social circles at school. This is a very important piece that should come from the home. Does your boy want to have a stalker for years to come? All he has to do is be a girl's first sexual experience and he will soon have the privilege of learning acronyms such as TPO and CRO. Might a teen be able to use information like this in making a better decision?

 

How clear are you on your position about your child having sex? The average age for having sex in the county in which I live is 12. Yes, 12. That's scary!! I'll be honest, I don't believe that kids really know what they're doing when they have sex at this age. Yet, there are little girls that get pregnant at this age. What can you do as a parent to make sure this doesn't happen? Kids learn about the mechanics of having sex in school, but that doesn't mean that they know much more. How many kids are finding themselves in situations that they can't get out of? It's important to talk to both sons and daughters about not getting into situations where someone can convince them that it's the right thing to do. For your older teens (15+), do they know what you expect from them? Do YOU know what you expect from them?

 

Once you know what you expect, do you know how to relay the expectations?If you expect abstinence, do you live the values where your teen can respect your position? If you have very loose values, live with your girlfriend/boyfriend, get drunk in front of the kids, etc., you don't have much of a chance of imposing your ideas of abstinence on them. But, I will say that there are parents who do faithfully live their values that have teens that go out and do the opposite, just to rebel. If you know they're going to have sex, where do you stand on birth control? Have you discussed the different types available? Ask for their thoughts!

 

It all comes down to the relationship you have with your child/teen. Stay open to answering their questions in an open and honest way, create a safe place where your kids can ask for information and stay up on what they're hearing in the school halls. It's better that you as a parent are the one that explains sex in an age appropriate way than for your kids to learn in a place where sex is glamorized as the thing to do to be popular or liked/loved. Focus on the relationship, and your results should be great!

 

 

The Real Meaning Of Try

Isn’t it great when just one word will explain something in detail, like, “even though I’m telling you that I had a great time, it really wasn’t all that much fun, but I’m going to tell you that I can’t wait to do it again because that’s what I know you want to hear – but I absolutely don’t mean it.”  In Iran, they have such a word for that: ‘taraf’.   I really wish that we had a word for it in the English language.   

What we do have is the word ‘try’.   ‘Try’ is such an interesting word and concept.  I work with parents and teens most of the time and the word comes up all the time.  What I’ll hear is “okay, Ms. Lynn, I’ll try not to go to parties with alcohol anymore”, or “sure, we can try to have dinner together as a family at least 4 days a week.”   Here’s what I hear:  “okay, Ms. Lynn, if it so happens that there’s something going on that’s way better than a party with alcohol, I’ll go do the other thing and stay away from the party, otherwise I’m just not sure I’ll be able to control that.”   And, “if I feel like cooking or if we all just happen to be here and we feel like being together as a family, we’ll sit down together, but if things are just too hectic, we’re going to have to all go our separate ways.”   

When I have a parent or a teen that presents me with this opportunity, I put my keys in front of them and tell them to try to pick them up.  So they look at me, put their hand out and pick them up and hand them to me.  I tell them “thank you, but that was a fail.  Please try to pick them up.”  So, they look at me.  Put their hand out a little more slowly and pick them up. Once again, I tell them that they didn’t do it and that it’s not right.  So then, they look at me, stretch their hand out and touch the keys.  Once again, I tell them that they didn’t try to pick up my keys and to try again. By this time they’re pretty frustrated, and rightfully so, because there is no such thing as ‘try’.   

Yoda is my favorite philosopher and he says it best: “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”    The teens are always the quickest to get this.  It’s really all about your intent.  If they intend to stay away from alcohol, then they’ll figure out ways to do it.  If they intend to keep partying, that’s exactly what they’ll do, but they won’t be trying to do either one.   We set out with our intent, not with our try.  Saying that I’ll ‘try’ to do anything means that I’m keeping a back door open in case I decide that I don’t want to achieve my goal or something better comes along.  Remember that ‘try’ doesn’t mean ‘attempt’.  ‘Attempt’ has intent behind it and really means that we’re planning on giving it our all within our physical and mental ability.  ‘Try’, not so much.  Think back door. 

Our words say a lot more than we think they do.  Another group of words that I hear a lot is ‘I don’t know’.   Now, this set of words has to be thought through a little more than the word ‘try’.   There are two kinds of ‘I don’t know’.  The first is a genuine ‘I don’t know’, like, where did I leave my keys? I don’t know, and that’s a very legitimate answer, at least for me.  Then there’s the kind of ‘I don’t know’  that really means “I am going to tell you that I don’t know because I really just don’t want to think through it or take responsibility or accountability for your question, and then you’ll just move on and I’ll be off the hook.”  Teens that I work with haven’t said ‘I don’t know’ in quite some time (big grin).  When a teen says “I don’t know”, I usually say, “Suppose you did know”?  The first answer will be “then, I would tell you?”  Then, I’ll ask again.  It’s amazing; I usually get an answer that we can really talk about!  Every single one of us has our own answers when we take the time and effort to really reach inside and find the answer.  We all have so much to say and communicate about, and I love it when we can get past words that keep us from communicating effectively.   

The big picture is that the meaning of our communication is the response we get.  Are you getting the responses that you want from your communication?  Are you getting all that you want in life?  How are you communicating?  Do you use words like ‘try’ and ‘I don’t know’ in communicating with others?  Even more, do you ACCEPT those words from your family, friends and co-workers?  What would happen if you held yourself and others to a higher standard of words? 

Enjoy Your Coffee!

A group of alumni got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, and some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee. After all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, THAT is the source of your problems and stress." "Be assured that the cup itself adds no real quality to the coffee. In most cases, it's just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and then began eyeing each other's cups." "Now consider this: Life is the coffee. . .and the jobs, houses, cars, things, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Life is the coffee, not the cups ... enjoy your coffee." And did you know...

• The heavy tea tax imposed on the colonies in 1773, which caused the "Boston Tea Party," resulted in America switching from tea to coffee. Drinking coffee was an expression of freedom.
• In the ancient Arab world, coffee became such a staple in family life that one of the causes allowed by law for marital separation was a husband's refusal to produce
• coffee for his wife.
• Coffee represents 75% of all the caffeine consumed in the United States.
• The loss of 1 to 1.5 hours of nighttime sleep can reduce daytime alertness by one-third.

Get Them What They Want For Valentines Day

Valentines Day is just around the corner and soon you’ll be working on that perfect Valentine’s Day experience for the one you love.Gift giving holidays sometimes throw us into “The Mind Reading Zone” - you know, where the other person really should know what to get… 

We have to face it.  Men and women are wired differently.  We just are.  We have never been alike and we never will be.  You know this all too well if you’ve ever been in a relationship and tried to guess what the other person wants.  When we don’t figure it out, we find that there is conflict and plenty of it. 

One aspect of a dynamite relationship is communication, not mind reading!  Following these simple steps will be a great start to avoiding the mind reading trap and produce some great results: 

·    Write down 10 things that you want from your intimate partner, friend or family member. 

·    Get specific.  State EXACTLY what you want and state it in the positive.  In other words, “I want you to help me with the dishes 3 nights per week” would be more effective than “I wish you would pitch in every now and then.” 

·    Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.  Again, words are everything.  If you say, “I don’t like not knowing when you’ll be home” would be better stated as “I would like you to call if you’re going to be later than 6:00.”  There is a difference! 

·    ASK them for it!  So often we expect our significant other to just know what we want.  This doesn’t work!  We can take our list and make very clear requests.  Reveal the “why’s”.  Why do you want this, and why from this person?  Then…. 

·    ASK them what they want from you.  If they don’t know at that moment, give them time to think through it.  And be willing to give them what they need to feel loved by you. 

·    Check in with each other periodically.  You may need one thing today and another thing next month or year for that matter.  We are always changing and growing. 

·    Make space for what you want to bring into your life.  If you’re filled with anger and bitterness, there isn’t much room for love and happiness.  What you focus on expands.  If you are focused on the negative in someone, that’s all you will get.  Focus on their good qualities and positive attributes and the best will come back to you. 

Want to really wow your valentine and want to find their strategy for feeling loved?  Try this: 

When you’re all calm and relaxed, look into their eyes and say something like “you know I love you, don’t you?”  WATCH THEIR EYES!!   

If they go up and to the side - Looking up is a visual preference indication so they might love it if you got all dressed up and give them some beautiful roses. Make sure you take them somewhere visually pleasing to complete the experience. 

If they look to the side - Looking to the side is an auditory preference indication and they might like it if you recorded their favorite romantic music or if you tell them all the reasons why they’re so wonderful.   

If they look down and to the side - Looking down and to the side is an indication of kinesthetic (feeling) preference.  This might give you the clue that a little cuddling and hand holding would make their day. 

What Do You Really Want?

Do you know that feeling that you get when you think you need a new car, or a new pair of shoes?  Sometimes people feel like they've gotten as much as they can out of their employment and feel the need to look for a new job or just feel the need to do something wild and crazy and go to get that tattoo they've always wanted.  Then, a couple weeks later, the shoes hurt their feet and don't match any outfits, that car is a police magnet and the tattoo looks hideous! 

  

So, how do we know what we really want?  People think that they really want things, but what they really want is the feeling that those things give them.  Try this - pick something that you want (a thing, an experience, a change, a feeling, etc.).  Now, ask yourself "what will this give me that I wouldn't otherwise have?"  For example, you want a new outfit.  What will that give you that you wouldn't otherwise have?  Maybe your answer might be "to be able to wear something new."  What would that get you?  Then you might respond "I'd feel better about myself."  If you keep going on this path, you will eventually come to the real answer that will be a feeling (usually something like security, happiness, control or self-approval or respect).  This is the feeling that you'll have when you get what you want.   

  

What would happen if you chose to feel it now?  Can you choose to feel good about yourself?  Can you choose to feel awesome in your old t-shirt and jeans?  Of course, you can!  You get to choose to feel any way you want to feel and you don't have to feel the blisters from the shoes or the regret of getting that tattoo. 

  

When we're looking at getting what we want in life, it happens differently than we think it will.  It's not necessarily wrong to want something new every now and then, but when we're trying to fill voids in our lives with "stuff", we're on the wrong path to getting what we really want.  When we choose to feel the way we want to feel, we make it much easier for the things we want to come into our lives.   

What You Think Matters

Your mind has two main functions; a thinker and a prover.  Whatever you think, the prover side proves that thought to be true.  Your unconscious can't help but to be honest so it will continuously prove your thoughts to be right.  I know this sounds a little confusing...

  

Have you ever misplaced your cell phone or your keys?  You tell yourself that you can't find them, don't you?  Then the proving side of your mind alters your perception and blocks out remembering where you put them.   How useful would it be if you told yourself that you put them somewhere easy to find?  Might it work if you thought about the times in the past that you found them ... because you ALWAYS do?   Or even more useful, "I can find my keys." 

  

Of course this runs much deeper than just finding the car keys.  This also affects our thoughts of "who" we are.  We all have a perception of who we are and the roles we play in our relationships.  Maybe we think of ourselves as the pretty one, the ugly one, the smart one, the stupid one, the joker, the leader, the follower, or the abandoned.    Whatever we think our role is in life, the 'prover' will set out to prove this to be true.  If we think that we're smart, we'll prove that to be the truth.  Eventually, the circumstances of our lives will align with our thoughts.  The way your life is right now is the result of what you've been thinking and feeling throughout your life.  For instance, if you think you're unworthy all of the evidence in your life will prove you to be unworthy.  So, the question here is, is your life the way you want it to be?  Do you have the relationships you want and the way you want them to be? 

  

Are we doomed to what our subconscious thinks?  NO!!  What areas of your life would you like to change?  Just change your thoughts.  Just keep telling yourself that you are worthy, you  can have the relationships you want and you can live the life of your dreams!       

  

Your life CANNOT change until you change your thoughts and beliefs!

Do You Want To Let Go Of Fear?

One of our country's greatest presidents, Franklin D. Roosevelt made one of the greatest speeches that still rings true today.  He said,      " This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance ."     I underlined the parts that you've heard many times - but the rest of it is really important too.  It's important to know that there were companies and industries that prospered during the Great Depression, like the railways, radios and movie theaters.  General Foods, Johns Manville, Sears, Standard Oil and US Steel all did well during the depression.  There's really no reason to think that certain companies and industries won't do well during our current difficulties either.  It all depends on the attitudes of the people running them.     Let go of the fear!!!  Yes, it is scary when we think about all that is happening but if you think of this as an opportunity, the possibilities are endless.  I like to think about everything as a see-saw.  Remember being on those as a kid?  One of you goes up and the other goes down and it's back and forth.  So, if the economy is down ... what is going up?  How can you be a part of what's going up?  How can you CREATE something that can go up?  First, it is so important to realize that we will revive and prosper again.  So, here, we have a choice.  You can either sit back and wait for that to happen, or you can step up and become part of the revival.  So, how are you going to do that?       This is where I'm going to challenge you in the coming weeks.  The things that you can fear are as endless as your imagination, but the reality is that in the absence of fear you can create, achieve and attract great things into your life.       Are you going to retreat - or are you going to advance?  It's your choice.

What's In Your Account?

When my daughter turned 18, she finally had enough income to open a checking account.  As all young people eventually learn, you have to make sure that there is money in the account before you write a check.  The lessons are tough because they're not as simple as they seem and the lesson generally hurts financially and emotionally.  As you have already guessed, things turned into quite a mess before she figured out that deposit comes first, THEN use the debit card!   Going to make a deposit doesn't count! 

  

It's not just our bank accounts that we need to make deposits into.  We need to deposit into our families and ourselves as well.  It's even more important to do this now more than ever with our current economic times.  We are expecting more from our families because we're working harder to achieve enough to get by and we're expecting more from our bodies by keeping longer hours and our emotions by allowing fear and worry to run us.   

  

Taking care of ourselves and our families is of great importance if you are going to be any good to those around you.  Too many times we put ourselves last and we don't achieve the results that we are looking to achieve because we don't have enough in us to give!  It's just like being on an airplane and the flight attendants remind us that in the event of a drop in cabin pressure that the oxygen masks will drop and to make sure that we put ours on first and then attend to others.  If we don't help ourselves first, we can't help others either.   

  

So, how do we make deposits?  Try some of these: 

  

Families  : 

  

• Have a picnic on the living room floor.  Spread out a blanket and enjoy the time together.   
• Take a walk together and see who can find the most colorful leaf   
• Go to a Corn Maze   
• Have a family game night one night per week   
• Have family meetings - discuss what's going on.  Address each item!   
• Watch a DVD together - make sure you have popcorn and Milk Duds!!   
• Volunteer as a family  

  

Personal  : 

  

• Take a nap on a Sunday afternoon   
• Go through your old records or pictures   
• Go to the bookstore and get a coffee   
• Learn a new hobby - or revive an old one   
• Read a self-help book   
• Call a friend that you haven't talked to in awhile   
• Volunteer (this one adds a HUGE amount!)   
• Put a puzzle together  
• Take a walk somewhere interesting 
• Watch your favorite childhood movie 
• Go to a museum 

There are thousands of things that you can add - be creative!

Hang Up and Talk!

Not long ago I was in the turn lane waiting for a green light near a local middle school.  I happened to glance in my rear view mirror and in the SUV behind me, there was a mom, busily chatting on her cell phone with a young teen girl in the passenger seat with her head resting on her hand, elbow on the window.  She appeared to be incredibly bored. Our light turned green and we all drove single file down the long stretch of road, about four miles. We hit another red light, and again, I looked in my rear view mirror. The scene was exactly the same in the same SUV behind me. The woman continued to chat and the teen continued to look bored. This scenario continued to play out until I reached the turn for my neighborhood -- approximately a 15 minute drive. I just kept thinking about how much conversation was being missed during those 15 minutes …. a conversation that could have contained events of the day, what to expect on a first date, or even what was going to be made for dinner. 

Then, not long after that, I was shopping at the grocery store and saw a young girl in the back of the cart. She was somewhere between 8 and 10 years old. Mom was pushing the cart with one hand and talking on the cell phone with the other.  The girl was just sitting there, looking around.  Mom was just chatting away, obviously talking with a friend while putting vegetables and fruit in the cart, paying no attention to her child or anyone around her for that matter. Even though her daughter wasn't in any danger, this was a missed opportunity for bonding and communicating. There are many teens that don’t have a clue how to shop for food, cook food or look for values in a store. Might the mom have taken the opportunity to show this young lady the difference between Granny Smith and Golden Delicious apples?  Might she have taken the opportunity to show her how to compare the prices of peanut butter? 

Beyond the possibility of being rude and possibly dangerous, opportunities for family growth are being missed by being on the phone in the presence of your kids. Opportunities with our children are all around us when we choose to be present and focused. Even though it’s easy to let go of our kids when they become self-sufficient, they need us more than ever as they get older. These are the years when they are learning how to be an adult. They watch and absorb everything, even when we don’t think they are. 

I have a friend that used to call me while she was waiting in the line at school when picking up her son. The second she saw him walking towards the car, she let me know that her time was now being directed toward him, and we hung up. This was a time that she took to talk about his day, share her day and communicate about anything or even nothing. This was their time. Her son is now 17 and an amazing young man that now drives himself to and from school. He openly communicates with his mom, and even though his mom might not agree with everything, he still feels safe and confident in sharing with her. 

The more our kids share with us, the easier it is to share when the topic becomes more difficult. When we take the opportunity to discuss topics in the news regarding sex, crime, celebrity behavior, music, religion and politics, we have the chance to talk about morals and ethics … and even opinion. Just know that your teen won’t always take the same view, and this will be a chance to let them know that you respect them even though you don’t agree (it’s okay not to agree). This keeps the communication lines open and will invite him to have other risky conversations with you. Every interaction we have with our kids becomes an investment (or a withdrawal, so to speak) in the relationship that we will have with them in 10, 20 and 30 years from now and an ingredient in the adult that they will become. It's important to remember that we are raising men and women, not children.   

As humans, we cannot not communicate -- we are always communicating. Every action is also a communication to them, whether you are speaking or not. If you choose to talk on the phone or play games on your iPod in the presence of your child, then are you communicating to them that they’re not as important as your game or the person on the other end of the phone? Are you teaching them that being with them isn't important to you?   

When I talk with teens, the thing I hear most often is that they just wish their parents would talk with them and spend time with them. They want their parents to be open and honest and real. Yes, I know that’s not what they tell you, but it is what the majority of them say they want. The ones that don’t want communication are already hiding stuff from you that communication might reveal. What opportunities have you missed? What are the possibilities going forward? 

Your children and teens will become adults, hopefully with a spouse, home, job and children. Who is going to teach them about their importance in this world and how to function as an upstanding, law-abiding citizen?  You?  Or someone else....?  If you hang up, the possibilities could be endless.

New Years Resolutions

2014 is the first time in 19 years that we will be starting out the New Year with a new moon.  For 2014, that’s another great addition for everything being nice and fresh and new… if it says ‘2013’ we get to file it away… unless we choose to hang on to it.

Are you choosing to hang on to your old habits, or are you going to use January 1^st to start some new ones?  Are you going to stop smoking?  Lose weight?  Save or make money?  If you are, you’re not alone.  When I was looking at my Twitter, I noticed the trending hashtags - #loseweight, #stopsmoking, #NewYearsResolutions, #Resolutions, #Goals, and the list goes on and on.  It seems to be quite the conversation right now, and will be in future years unless you decide to do something different.  How about adding purpose?

I was in a conversation earlier with a man that wanted to quit smoking.  He has tried several times over the past few years, but has failed each time.  I asked him the usual questions such as what methods he was using, how he was getting support, what was tripping him and what was happening when he decided to start up again.  Then I asked him WHY he wanted to stop smoking.  What was his purpose?  He gave me that deer-in-the-headlight look and said “I don’t really know, I just want to.”  He mentioned it would be healthier and he kept considering the risks involved, but didn't really have a solid reason for quitting. 

That’s when we were able to have a discussion about PURPOSE.  As humans, more than likely, we won’t achieve anything if there isn't a purpose attached.  “Because I want to” just isn't good enough when it comes to purpose.  What is it that we are really looking to have?  When we’re getting rid of something, we have to have a reward in its place.  It’s kind of like digging a hole.  If we don’t put a tree in it, it’s just a hole, and dirt will eventually fill it once again. 

A few years ago, another man that I worked with in his quit-smoking quest found that he was really struggling.  He relayed that he was really having a tough time when he got up in the morning because that is when he enjoyed his first cigarette of the day.  I asked him what it was that he would like to be doing during that time.  He said he used to be a runner and that running would be great, but he just wasn't there yet because of his lungs.  He agreed that he would go out and walk for 10 – 15 minutes instead of having the cigarettes.  During this discussion, he had a “light bulb” moment.  He wanted to quit smoking because he really wanted to be running again … and the two couldn't co-exist.  He wanted to run more.  That became his purpose.  Every time he thought about a cigarette, he reminded himself of his purpose, and he was able to get over the temptation.  After about a month, he was running daily.  He now runs in 5K’s quite frequently and is enjoying a smoke-free life.

Whether you want to quit smoking, lose weight or make money, there must be some type of solid purpose for you or you will have a rough time achieving your goal.  Write down all of your reasons for wanting to achieve this goal (handwriting on a piece of paper is best).  See if there’s a common thread.  Sometimes you will find it and sometimes it takes a little more time.  Ask yourself what you will get if you have this goal.  Again, write it down.  Is there a purpose yet?  If not, that’s okay.  Just keep working on it.  Think about a time when you were smoke free or at your ideal weight, or dream about a time where you have the money you want (or whatever your goal is).  See what you look like.  What sounds do you hear?  How do you feel?  This is another way to connect to that purpose.  When you want to break your goal, remind yourself of those sights, sounds and feelings.  Connect with them. 

And, don’t forget to fill the hole!  Remember that when something is taken away, something else needs to take its place.  If you’re used to eating chips in front of the TV, find another food that doesn’t cause weight gain, or do something other than watching TV at that time. 

Here is a tool for you to help you find your purpose and make a solid decision for your goals.  http://gwinnettcoaching.com/Forms-and-Tools.html  Just choose the Decision Maker .pdf.  There's also a purpose finder there, but it's for a little different use than for resolutions.  But, hey, if it works for you, go for it!

Good luck, and happy 2014!!