How To Talk To Your Parents

How to Talk To Your Parents  

·       Choose the right time.  It’s not a good time when they walk in the door.  They need time to unwind and relax before they’re able to communicate with you. 

·         If you’re really not sure when a good time is, ask them! 

·         Many times it’s a good time to break the routine.  Ask them to leave the house, go for a soda, a walk or a drive. 

·         Tell them it’s important that you talk about this. Sometimes parents don’t realize the importance of the problem. 

·         Parents need to know you’re okay.  Let them know so that they’re not distracted by the problem and make more of it than it really is.  If you’re NOT okay, tell them and don’t worry about time and place.  Your safety is most important. 

·         Don’t play “mind games” with them.  Be straight forward and honest. 

·         In general, moms want peace and dads want to fix the problem.  Let them know that you just need them to listen. 

·         When discussing emotional issues, don’t use accusing words such as ‘should be’ or ‘have to’.  Especially with dads, remember that their heart and their brains are not always on the same page. 

·         Don’t talk for too long, especially for the first few times.  Let them decide when their brain is full.  While you might feel really good getting a few things off your chest, it might really exhaust your parents if you go on too long. 

·         Give them time to think and speak.  You might be surprising them with the information you’re giving them, or they might need time to think through what you’re asking.  Give them some time. 

·         Be open and honest.  DO NOT communicate by using hints or broad terms such as “everything”, “nothing” or “something”.   

·         Don’t expect them to know how you feel.  It’s been awhile since they were your age. 

·         Know what you want or need.  When you communicate this to your parents, use terms such as “I want…” or  “I would like….” 

·         Don’t assume what your parents think.  Ask them.  You might be surprised. 

·         It is unlikely (and probably unhealthy) for one person to fulfill all of your emotional needs.  Remember to create other balanced and positive relationships in your life with your siblings, extended family, friends, trusted adults along with your parents.   

Having "The Talk" With Your Kids

One of the challenges that we face as parents is having that all important talk with our kids about sex.  Many times we get all wrapped up in the technicalities and making sure they have it "right".  What we forget to do is to make sure they have a relationship with us that allows for them to ask questions when they have them, or share experiences with us. 

As we are raising our kids, many of us want to make sure that they not only have the right information, but make sure that they know they can come to us with anything.  And I do mean anything.  Here is where we get to take a deep breath and pretend that we're calm and collected as we explain things in a way where we seem to be the expert. 

On this topic, ignorance is not bliss!  It's always better to know what you're dealing with than to close your eyes and hope for the best.  Here are a few thoughts for making things go a little better regarding this topic as you raise your children. 

Is the topic you are discussing age appropriate for him/her? If we're discussing all of the "how-to's" to an 8 year old, we're missing the boat. What specifically is he being exposed to that needs to be explained at this point in his life? Instead of telling him what you think he needs to know, ask him what he already knows. Then clear up any misinformation and add what you feel needs to be added.

 

Are you creating a safe atmosphere in which to discuss sensitive topics? Many times, kids, especially teens, are afraid to talk with their parents about sex because they feel as if they will be judged, put down or ridiculed - or they find that their parents are too uncomfortable. No one likes being uncomfortable. If you make yourself the go-to person for all things scary, you will have built an important foundation on which to discuss topics in a way where your child feels validated and respected. And more importantly, they learn to respect your position on the topic.

 

Does your child know how his values play into his decisions? Many times families don't have a set of chosen values that they live as individuals and as a family. Most children haven't really figured out what they value in life either. These thoughts and ideas come into formation when the parent talks about current events and, without judgement, shows how choices are made that come together in a result that doesn't give people what they really wanted.

 

Does your child know what is behind his values? When we have a great amount of love and respect for ourselves, we don't often do things that will ruin our future. Sex is a wonderful thing when we are with the right person at the right time in our lives. What teens, especially, don't get is that the teen years probably won't be the right time, and it probably won't be with the right person. With that being said, teens think they know a lot and are more than likely going to experiment. Not only are they experimenting with sex, they're playing with people's emotions as well. Does your child understand the connection between sex and emotion? This information doesn't go around in the social circles at school. This is a very important piece that should come from the home. Does your boy want to have a stalker for years to come? All he has to do is be a girl's first sexual experience and he will soon have the privilege of learning acronyms such as TPO and CRO. Might a teen be able to use information like this in making a better decision?

 

How clear are you on your position about your child having sex? The average age for having sex in the county in which I live is 12. Yes, 12. That's scary!! I'll be honest, I don't believe that kids really know what they're doing when they have sex at this age. Yet, there are little girls that get pregnant at this age. What can you do as a parent to make sure this doesn't happen? Kids learn about the mechanics of having sex in school, but that doesn't mean that they know much more. How many kids are finding themselves in situations that they can't get out of? It's important to talk to both sons and daughters about not getting into situations where someone can convince them that it's the right thing to do. For your older teens (15+), do they know what you expect from them? Do YOU know what you expect from them?

 

Once you know what you expect, do you know how to relay the expectations?If you expect abstinence, do you live the values where your teen can respect your position? If you have very loose values, live with your girlfriend/boyfriend, get drunk in front of the kids, etc., you don't have much of a chance of imposing your ideas of abstinence on them. But, I will say that there are parents who do faithfully live their values that have teens that go out and do the opposite, just to rebel. If you know they're going to have sex, where do you stand on birth control? Have you discussed the different types available? Ask for their thoughts!

 

It all comes down to the relationship you have with your child/teen. Stay open to answering their questions in an open and honest way, create a safe place where your kids can ask for information and stay up on what they're hearing in the school halls. It's better that you as a parent are the one that explains sex in an age appropriate way than for your kids to learn in a place where sex is glamorized as the thing to do to be popular or liked/loved. Focus on the relationship, and your results should be great!

 

 

The Real Meaning Of Try

Isn’t it great when just one word will explain something in detail, like, “even though I’m telling you that I had a great time, it really wasn’t all that much fun, but I’m going to tell you that I can’t wait to do it again because that’s what I know you want to hear – but I absolutely don’t mean it.”  In Iran, they have such a word for that: ‘taraf’.   I really wish that we had a word for it in the English language.   

What we do have is the word ‘try’.   ‘Try’ is such an interesting word and concept.  I work with parents and teens most of the time and the word comes up all the time.  What I’ll hear is “okay, Ms. Lynn, I’ll try not to go to parties with alcohol anymore”, or “sure, we can try to have dinner together as a family at least 4 days a week.”   Here’s what I hear:  “okay, Ms. Lynn, if it so happens that there’s something going on that’s way better than a party with alcohol, I’ll go do the other thing and stay away from the party, otherwise I’m just not sure I’ll be able to control that.”   And, “if I feel like cooking or if we all just happen to be here and we feel like being together as a family, we’ll sit down together, but if things are just too hectic, we’re going to have to all go our separate ways.”   

When I have a parent or a teen that presents me with this opportunity, I put my keys in front of them and tell them to try to pick them up.  So they look at me, put their hand out and pick them up and hand them to me.  I tell them “thank you, but that was a fail.  Please try to pick them up.”  So, they look at me.  Put their hand out a little more slowly and pick them up. Once again, I tell them that they didn’t do it and that it’s not right.  So then, they look at me, stretch their hand out and touch the keys.  Once again, I tell them that they didn’t try to pick up my keys and to try again. By this time they’re pretty frustrated, and rightfully so, because there is no such thing as ‘try’.   

Yoda is my favorite philosopher and he says it best: “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”    The teens are always the quickest to get this.  It’s really all about your intent.  If they intend to stay away from alcohol, then they’ll figure out ways to do it.  If they intend to keep partying, that’s exactly what they’ll do, but they won’t be trying to do either one.   We set out with our intent, not with our try.  Saying that I’ll ‘try’ to do anything means that I’m keeping a back door open in case I decide that I don’t want to achieve my goal or something better comes along.  Remember that ‘try’ doesn’t mean ‘attempt’.  ‘Attempt’ has intent behind it and really means that we’re planning on giving it our all within our physical and mental ability.  ‘Try’, not so much.  Think back door. 

Our words say a lot more than we think they do.  Another group of words that I hear a lot is ‘I don’t know’.   Now, this set of words has to be thought through a little more than the word ‘try’.   There are two kinds of ‘I don’t know’.  The first is a genuine ‘I don’t know’, like, where did I leave my keys? I don’t know, and that’s a very legitimate answer, at least for me.  Then there’s the kind of ‘I don’t know’  that really means “I am going to tell you that I don’t know because I really just don’t want to think through it or take responsibility or accountability for your question, and then you’ll just move on and I’ll be off the hook.”  Teens that I work with haven’t said ‘I don’t know’ in quite some time (big grin).  When a teen says “I don’t know”, I usually say, “Suppose you did know”?  The first answer will be “then, I would tell you?”  Then, I’ll ask again.  It’s amazing; I usually get an answer that we can really talk about!  Every single one of us has our own answers when we take the time and effort to really reach inside and find the answer.  We all have so much to say and communicate about, and I love it when we can get past words that keep us from communicating effectively.   

The big picture is that the meaning of our communication is the response we get.  Are you getting the responses that you want from your communication?  Are you getting all that you want in life?  How are you communicating?  Do you use words like ‘try’ and ‘I don’t know’ in communicating with others?  Even more, do you ACCEPT those words from your family, friends and co-workers?  What would happen if you held yourself and others to a higher standard of words? 

Enjoy Your Coffee!

A group of alumni got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, and some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee. After all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, THAT is the source of your problems and stress." "Be assured that the cup itself adds no real quality to the coffee. In most cases, it's just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and then began eyeing each other's cups." "Now consider this: Life is the coffee. . .and the jobs, houses, cars, things, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Life is the coffee, not the cups ... enjoy your coffee." And did you know...

• The heavy tea tax imposed on the colonies in 1773, which caused the "Boston Tea Party," resulted in America switching from tea to coffee. Drinking coffee was an expression of freedom.
• In the ancient Arab world, coffee became such a staple in family life that one of the causes allowed by law for marital separation was a husband's refusal to produce
• coffee for his wife.
• Coffee represents 75% of all the caffeine consumed in the United States.
• The loss of 1 to 1.5 hours of nighttime sleep can reduce daytime alertness by one-third.

Get Them What They Want For Valentines Day

Valentines Day is just around the corner and soon you’ll be working on that perfect Valentine’s Day experience for the one you love.Gift giving holidays sometimes throw us into “The Mind Reading Zone” - you know, where the other person really should know what to get… 

We have to face it.  Men and women are wired differently.  We just are.  We have never been alike and we never will be.  You know this all too well if you’ve ever been in a relationship and tried to guess what the other person wants.  When we don’t figure it out, we find that there is conflict and plenty of it. 

One aspect of a dynamite relationship is communication, not mind reading!  Following these simple steps will be a great start to avoiding the mind reading trap and produce some great results: 

·    Write down 10 things that you want from your intimate partner, friend or family member. 

·    Get specific.  State EXACTLY what you want and state it in the positive.  In other words, “I want you to help me with the dishes 3 nights per week” would be more effective than “I wish you would pitch in every now and then.” 

·    Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.  Again, words are everything.  If you say, “I don’t like not knowing when you’ll be home” would be better stated as “I would like you to call if you’re going to be later than 6:00.”  There is a difference! 

·    ASK them for it!  So often we expect our significant other to just know what we want.  This doesn’t work!  We can take our list and make very clear requests.  Reveal the “why’s”.  Why do you want this, and why from this person?  Then…. 

·    ASK them what they want from you.  If they don’t know at that moment, give them time to think through it.  And be willing to give them what they need to feel loved by you. 

·    Check in with each other periodically.  You may need one thing today and another thing next month or year for that matter.  We are always changing and growing. 

·    Make space for what you want to bring into your life.  If you’re filled with anger and bitterness, there isn’t much room for love and happiness.  What you focus on expands.  If you are focused on the negative in someone, that’s all you will get.  Focus on their good qualities and positive attributes and the best will come back to you. 

Want to really wow your valentine and want to find their strategy for feeling loved?  Try this: 

When you’re all calm and relaxed, look into their eyes and say something like “you know I love you, don’t you?”  WATCH THEIR EYES!!   

If they go up and to the side - Looking up is a visual preference indication so they might love it if you got all dressed up and give them some beautiful roses. Make sure you take them somewhere visually pleasing to complete the experience. 

If they look to the side - Looking to the side is an auditory preference indication and they might like it if you recorded their favorite romantic music or if you tell them all the reasons why they’re so wonderful.   

If they look down and to the side - Looking down and to the side is an indication of kinesthetic (feeling) preference.  This might give you the clue that a little cuddling and hand holding would make their day. 

What Do You Really Want?

Do you know that feeling that you get when you think you need a new car, or a new pair of shoes?  Sometimes people feel like they've gotten as much as they can out of their employment and feel the need to look for a new job or just feel the need to do something wild and crazy and go to get that tattoo they've always wanted.  Then, a couple weeks later, the shoes hurt their feet and don't match any outfits, that car is a police magnet and the tattoo looks hideous! 

  

So, how do we know what we really want?  People think that they really want things, but what they really want is the feeling that those things give them.  Try this - pick something that you want (a thing, an experience, a change, a feeling, etc.).  Now, ask yourself "what will this give me that I wouldn't otherwise have?"  For example, you want a new outfit.  What will that give you that you wouldn't otherwise have?  Maybe your answer might be "to be able to wear something new."  What would that get you?  Then you might respond "I'd feel better about myself."  If you keep going on this path, you will eventually come to the real answer that will be a feeling (usually something like security, happiness, control or self-approval or respect).  This is the feeling that you'll have when you get what you want.   

  

What would happen if you chose to feel it now?  Can you choose to feel good about yourself?  Can you choose to feel awesome in your old t-shirt and jeans?  Of course, you can!  You get to choose to feel any way you want to feel and you don't have to feel the blisters from the shoes or the regret of getting that tattoo. 

  

When we're looking at getting what we want in life, it happens differently than we think it will.  It's not necessarily wrong to want something new every now and then, but when we're trying to fill voids in our lives with "stuff", we're on the wrong path to getting what we really want.  When we choose to feel the way we want to feel, we make it much easier for the things we want to come into our lives.   

What You Think Matters

Your mind has two main functions; a thinker and a prover.  Whatever you think, the prover side proves that thought to be true.  Your unconscious can't help but to be honest so it will continuously prove your thoughts to be right.  I know this sounds a little confusing...

  

Have you ever misplaced your cell phone or your keys?  You tell yourself that you can't find them, don't you?  Then the proving side of your mind alters your perception and blocks out remembering where you put them.   How useful would it be if you told yourself that you put them somewhere easy to find?  Might it work if you thought about the times in the past that you found them ... because you ALWAYS do?   Or even more useful, "I can find my keys." 

  

Of course this runs much deeper than just finding the car keys.  This also affects our thoughts of "who" we are.  We all have a perception of who we are and the roles we play in our relationships.  Maybe we think of ourselves as the pretty one, the ugly one, the smart one, the stupid one, the joker, the leader, the follower, or the abandoned.    Whatever we think our role is in life, the 'prover' will set out to prove this to be true.  If we think that we're smart, we'll prove that to be the truth.  Eventually, the circumstances of our lives will align with our thoughts.  The way your life is right now is the result of what you've been thinking and feeling throughout your life.  For instance, if you think you're unworthy all of the evidence in your life will prove you to be unworthy.  So, the question here is, is your life the way you want it to be?  Do you have the relationships you want and the way you want them to be? 

  

Are we doomed to what our subconscious thinks?  NO!!  What areas of your life would you like to change?  Just change your thoughts.  Just keep telling yourself that you are worthy, you  can have the relationships you want and you can live the life of your dreams!       

  

Your life CANNOT change until you change your thoughts and beliefs!